


Redemption

by itsokaycas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 14:22:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1147014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsokaycas/pseuds/itsokaycas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Being in an angel, not as pure as I expected," Castiel says with a smirk, "Some pretty messed up stuff in this head of his."</p><p>Dean swallows hard as the realization hits him.</p><p>"You're not Cas."</p><p>The man standing in front of him turns his head, looks Dean straight in the eyes, and smiles as his eyes become a dark black.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Redemption

**Author's Note:**

> kind of a quickie and inspired by this post: http://asdfghjkl-i-cant.tumblr.com/post/57190868060/dean-get-out-of-him-demon-cas-or-what-youll

“Dean, are you sure I shouldn’t come and help?” Sam asks his brother _again_ from the motel table.

“Yes, I’m sure. We’ll go out to the warehouse and investigate while you stay here and research. We’re only pretty sure it’s a demon causing all this trouble so anything you can find is useful,” Dean explains, leaving out the  _you need to rest and Cas can’t be near you or else you die_  part.

Sam grunts and nods.

“See ya later, Goldilocks,” and with that, Dean is out the door and into the impala.

He calls Cas to let him know that he’s coming to pick him up for the hunt. The “hunt” is more just an excuse to get to see Cas, but what else can Dean do but make up excuses at this point? Gadreel made it clear that if they are near Cas, he’s put in danger.

\---

Dean waits outside Gas-N-Sip eagerly. He can see Cas finish up stacking some things inside the store. Finally, he walks outside, still in his uniform, and sits down in the driver’s seat.

“Hey, Cas. Long time, no see,” Dean says, genuinely smiling at his friend.

“You’re right. It has been a while. How are you, Dean?” Cas returns the smile.

“I’m fine like always,” he clears his throat, “But listen, I’m really sorry you can’t sta-”

He’s interrupted by Cas, “Dean, I told you, I understand. I am a danger to you and Sam, you’re better off without me. I know, you don’t have to explain.”

“No, Cas, we’re not better off without you. We need you, you know that. It’s just with the circumstances right now, and the angels falling, and the trials, and just… this whole mess.”

Cas only nods and smiles lightly at Dean, “You don’t have to explain. As you say, let’s go gank some monsters.”

This makes Dean grin, his eyes wrinkling at the corner. He starts up the impala and faces the road.

“Let’s go.”

\---

At the warehouse, they decide to split up to increase their efficiency. Dean goes through one entrance, where he’s taken to a dark, long hallway with 4 rooms on each side and a corridor at the end. He looks through each room, using his EMF meter and walking cautiously with the demon knife in his hand. Someone with a normal life would be happy that they haven't come face to face with a demon. However, Dean does not lead a normal life. None of the rooms have any signs of a demon, or any supernatural being for that matter, and that only upsets Dean. This warehouse might just be a bust.

After checking the rooms and small corridor, Dean retreats from the hallway and searches for Castiel. The warehouse isn't too big. There's only the main room where you enter from, and then it breaks off into the two hallways opposite each other.

He walks to the hallway that Cas went searching inside. Broken lights hang from the ceiling and the walls. Similarly to the other side, there are four rooms on each side of the corridor. Dean slowly goes towards the first room. He peers inside but the room is bare and empty. He discovers the same inside the second room. And the following room after that.

“Dammit, Cas… Where are you?” Dean mutters quietly. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he hears a scream. Castiel's screaming is coming from the last room located on the very far corner of the hallway.

Dean sprints toward the sound, yelling out his name. He runs through the door way and finds his best friend crouched over and panting.

"Cas! You okay?" Dean asks the fallen angel who lays on the ground. There's blood on his clothes, and a damaged body beside him. Did he fight against the demon?

Castiel slowly gets up and looks around. Dean looks at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"Being in an angel, not as pure as I expected," Castiel says with a smirk, "Some pretty messed up stuff in this head of his."

Dean swallows hard as the realization hits him.

"You're not Cas."

The man standing in front of him turns his head, looks Dean straight in the eyes, and smiles as his eyes become a dark black.

Dean tries to speak firmly, "Get out of him."

This makes the demon smile, "Or what, you'll stab me with that little knife of yours? I think this vessel is a bit more important to you than some stranger."

Dean doesn’t say anything. His jaw tightens as he fidgets with the demon knife in his hand, unsure of what to do.

"Hmm... A lot more important apparently."

The demon inside Castiel's body flings Dean into the wall with a movement of his hands. Dean drops his knife without control and yells out in pain as his body slams against the hard wall.

“Who are you!?” Dean spits out, crouched over the ground.

The demon walks to the hunter and pulls him up by the hair.

"Me? You can call me Moloch. Finally, I get to meet the famous Dean Winchester. I've heard so much about you, you’re kind of a celebrity in Hell."

He punches Dean across the face and then pulls him back up, “You've killed hundreds of demons, but you can't fight back now, can you? You can't hurt me. Not while I'm wearing your pretty friend's face."

Dean falls to the floor in blood and pain as he’s given another hit. The demon walks around him as he gasps for air. He needs to come up with a plan. The knife is too far to grab without Moloch noticing, and it's useless to try and simply punch the demon. What can he do?

"This is definitely not how I imagined the inside of an angel's head would look like," Moloch speaks tauntingly, "There's so much guilt, so much pain, so much. _.you._ "

This catches Dean's attention, which only satisfies Moloch more. He grabs Dean by the throat and pins him against the wall. He brings his face – or Castiel's face – close to Dean's as he taunts the man.

“You and this angel...you really are something else. Fighting for each other, believing in each other, sacrificing so much; it truly brings tears to my eyes,” he mocks, “But you do know, don’t you? It’s forbidden for an angel and a human to be together. Your buddy here is no exception - grace or no grace.”

Dean looks away from his face, “Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Oh, but I do. I’m in his head, I see what Castiel sees. I know what he knows, and that includes all your precious memories. I see what keeps him up at night, his regrets, his worst fears. Nothing haunts him more than all those times he let you down,” he hisses.

Moloch doesn’t stop hurting Dean. He punches Dean then flings him across the room once again. He knows that he has the advantage. He knows that he's hurting Dean more emotionally than he ever physically could. What Moloch doesn’t know is that Dean falls precisely where the demon knife sits on the floor.

“The best part is what he's so scared of. Don’t you want to know what it is?  _His biggest fear?_ ” Moloch hisses as he walks over and crouches down next to Dean’s face, “I think you’ll like it.”

Dean’s face is covered in blood. His insides throb, his head throbs, but he feels the knife under him. He has just enough power to stab the demon and save himself. Dean looks at the face of his torturer, but it’s not any face, it’s Castiel’s face. He can’t hurt Cas. Now that he’s human, he wouldn’t be able to fix his vessel.

But most of all,  _it’s Cas._  The one who saved Dean. Cas is the only one who knows exactly what Dean did in Hell; he’s appeared in his dreams; he’s listened to him cry about how he’s not good enough to save the world, how he doesn’t deserve to be saved. He’s seen Dean at his absolute worst, but he still stuck around. Not even his own father believed in him as much as Cas does.

Even when Dean was going into what could possibly be his death, Cas never left him.

_“I’m probably gonna die tomorrow so…”_

_“Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.”_

Dean’s heart warms a bit at the memory. Even though they ended up in purgatory shortly after, it didn't change the fact that they chose each other and fought together. Even in purgatory, Dean didn't care that he'd be in more danger with Cas at his side. He was willing to fight against the leviathans that would come after them, against all the other monsters that easily detected the angel, because he couldn't leave purgatory without Cas. He needed him – he still needs him.

He can’t stab or hurt the demon, he’d be hurting Cas. So he leaves the knife lying under him, and he doesn’t make any effort to fight back when it seems as though his best friend is hurting him.

Dean only looks up and breathes, “I’m so sorry, Cas.”

He falls unconscious after that.

\---

Dean wakes up surprised to find himself lying in the motel bed. His brain pounds against his skull, but he’s sure that he didn’t make it here on his own. He’s dressed in the same clothes, covered in the same scars, but comfortable lying in the softness of the bed.

On his left, he notices Sam crouching over his laptop. He sits at the table with a cup of coffee at his side and the sun shining through the window behind him.

"Sammy? What happened?" Dean mumbles as he lifts himself up, holding his forehead.

"Dean!" Sam practically bolts out of his chair and goes to Dean's side, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, I guess."

"What do you remember?" His brother asks concerned.

What  _does_ he remember? Dean tries to look past his headache and recall the events that caused this. They were at a warehouse, right? Yeah.. looking for a demon or something. He and Cas split up, but he didn’t find anything… and then he found Cas screaming?

"C-Cas...He was possessed," is all he can manage to get out. The events of the previous day suddenly hit him as he remembers being thrown around and tortured without being able to fight back.

Sam nods knowingly, "Do you want to see him?"

"He's here?" Dean looks around in shock.

"No, actually. He kept insisting that he couldn't stay, it was weird. But he said that if he's needed, he'll be at the Gas-N-Sip."

Dean understands. He remembers how Cas thought that they were better off without him. Even though that’s not the reason behind their separation, Dean’s glad that Cas isn’t here. Him being there would cause problems with Gadreel. After everything that happened… Dean doesn’t know if he could even face Cas.

"He didn't tell me what happened. Just that he was possessed and lost control.. Did he do this to you?" Sam continues as he gestures towards the scars on Dean’s face and body.

He didn’t really pay attention to it until now, but Dean is covered in scars. His face is swollen and red from being punched and his body aches from being thrown around.

"It's complicated, Sammy. Cas didn't intentionally hurt me but the thing that possessed him did. How were we saved?"

Sam explains that he was worried about them being gone for too long and drove to the warehouse himself.

"When I got there, you were tied to a chair, bloody and all, and Cas - or the demon - was reciting something. I hid in the shadows and when I got my chance, threw holy water to weaken the demon as I exorcised him.”

“Good job, Sammy,” Dean says, standing up from the bed, “I think I’ll go clean myself up.”

Sam nods, “And then visit Cas?”

Dean stops on his way to the bathroom, “Yeah..right,” he mumbles.

\---

The impala waits in the parking lot as Dean walks towards Gas-N-Sip. Earlier, he took his shower, disinfected some wounds, and changed from his blood-stained clothes. It took him a bit of a while, but he finally mustered the courage to get into the impala and visit Cas.

Hesitating a bit, he opens the door to the store. He walks and stands behind the counter with Cas’ back is to him as he sorts through some products.

Dean coughs to get his attention.

“Hello, how may I help-” he looks surprised to turn to find the hunter standing in front of him.

“Dean.”

“Hey, Cas,” He replies with an attempt at a smile.

Cas just stands there unsure, holding a label maker and unable to look Dean in the eyes. Instead, he gazes over his face and body. He’s hurt badly, held together by bandages.

“I think we need to talk,” Dean offers.

Cas nods. He places the label maker on the counter behind him and informs another employee that he will return shortly. Cas follows Dean to the impala which they both crawl into. For a few moments, they sit in silence, both trying to think of what to say.

Cas knows what Dean wants to ask him, “I was awake.”

“Sorry?”

“I was awake during the entire thing. I was awake while he beat you using my body. I was awake when he threw you across the room. I was awake when he looked down at your bloody face and continued to hurt you. I was awake and I was trying so desperately to fight against him, but I couldn’t stop it. I’m sorry.”

Now, he’s looking right at Dean. He’s looking at him with such pain in his eyes and such desperation. He needs Dean’s forgiveness, but how could he ever expect it? He let him down,  _again_.

“It’s not your fault, Cas,” Dean speaks firmly, keeping his eyes foreword.

He says it to comfort and reassure him, yet Cas can’t help but feel guilty.

“It is, though. I should have stopped it, but I couldn’t... I will find some way to redeem myself to you, Dean,” he says as he lifts his hand to place on the hunter’s shoulder. But just when he’s about to place it, Dean flinches. As if by habit, Dean flinches and shifts out of Castiel’s reach.

This hits Cas hard. Dean doesn’t trust him, he’s scared of him. He can’t help but flinch and look away from Cas.

“Dean…”

“I, um, I should go. Sammy’s waiting.”

“Dean, look at me,” Cas insists.

And he does. But not at all in the way that he used to. When he looks at Cas, there’s fear in his eyes. He doesn’t see his best friend, he sees the monster that was torturing him. When Dean looks into his eyes, he can’t help but remember those moments in the dark warehouse. When he was being beat and kicked by what seemed to be his best friend. When he looks into Cas’ eyes, he can’t help but remember looking into the same eyes and searching for something, anything, that showed his best friend inside and fighting.

“I have to go,” Dean’s voice cracks but he tries to hide it. He directs his face straight ahead, emotionless. He needs to get out of here.

Cas gets out of the car and stands behind the closed door of the impala. Through the window, he looks at Dean with agony in hope that he’ll look up and see how sorry Cas really is. But the car comes alive and the moment is destroyed as Dean steps on the pedals and drives away without a second glance.

A small part of Castiel believes that Dean will stop the car and go back for him. He continues to believe as he watches the black car exit the parking lot.  _Dean can still turn around_. He continues to believe as it disappears into the streets.  _There’s little traffic, he can easily come back._  Cas stops believing when 5 minutes past and there’s no sign of him. Dean’s not coming back for him.

_Why would he?_

\---

“Dean! How was Cas?” Sam perks up when his brother walks through the motel doors. He lays on his bed with a book in his hand.

“He was fine. What’s for dinner?” Dean says gruffly. He throws the keys to the side and walks towards the fridge in their room.

“I thought maybe we could order pizza. Did you guys work everything out?”

“I guess you could say that,” he says as he grabs a beer and twists the cap off in a swift motion.

“Dean,” Sam knows when Dean is holding something in. No matter how much Dean tries to hide it, Sam knows.

Dean looks at his expecting brother and throws his arms up in exaggeration, “What do you want me to say? We talked about it!”

Sam’s sitting up on his bed now, “But you didn’t fix it, did you?”

“You know what I say - no chick flick moments,” Dean grunts, “I’m fine, Sammy. Don’t worry about it.”

Sam rolls his eyes.  _Stop holding in everything, Dean._

\---

The next morning, Dean wakes up to find Cas sitting on his bed. He’s wearing his Gas-N-Sip uniform with a name tag that, ironically, has the wrong name.

“Cas!? What are you doing here?” Dean yells out in shock.

Sam walks over from the bathroom, “I called him and invited him here. You guys need to sort out whatever happened. I’ll be waiting outside.”

Sam sips his coffee smugly, careful not to drip it over his plaid shirt. He leaves the motel with a sense of pride, leaving the two men sitting there unsure of what to do. Dean gets up in a fit of annoyance and walks towards the motel door.

“Dean, please wait,” Cas speaks quickly.

The hunter stops and turns around, “Cas, this is stupid. We’re fine, we don’t need Sammy forcing us in a room together.”

“You say that, but you can’t even look at me in the eye,” he says to Dean, who’s staring intently at the ground.

Dean’s jaw tightens because he knows Cas is right. They’re not in a good situation with each other right now. He sits at the table, still not being able to look his best friend in the eyes.

The frustration continues to build up in Cas. He wants so desperately to fix what the demon has done, but how can he do that when Dean can’t even look at him?

He walks over to the table and sits down across Dean. He needs his forgiveness, he needs him to trust him again. “Dean, you must know that _I_   would never hurt you.”

Dean finally looks up at Cas, “I know that. I just -”

“It’s hard to forget?” He tries to sympathize with the hunter.

“Yeah, it is. I’ll be fine but I’m gonna need some time to move on and forget about the whole thing. I do trust you, Cas.”

“Thank you, Dean,” he smiles and the hunter smiles back at him, his eyes crinkling at the edges.

Being human has weighed Castiel with emotions that he’s never experienced so intensely before. Pain, loss, confusion. But right now, all he feels is relief and joy. Looking at the hunter knowing that he’s still his friend, that he still trusts him, it’s enough to help him forget about his problems for a moment.

Dean asks something that has been bothering him ever since the night in the warehouse, “Moloch…He kept mentioning your ‘biggest fear’ and trying to use that against me, do you have any idea what he was talking about?”

“Yes, he was in my head. He saw what I was most afraid of,” Cas states matter-of-factly.

“And what’s that?”

“I am afraid of losing you, Dean.”  

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! c:


End file.
